shitty shit happens, ya know?

I told myself that I would keep some things private when writing this. But then again, that wouldn't be very "katrinaforeal". So here's the full story.

It’s Thanksgiving weekend.  My parents are in town and staying in the guest suite in my apartment. Thanksgiving went fine. No arguments. Food was great. Like better than great. I will be dreaming of that turkey and stuffing 😮‍💨👌🏼.

The vibe was good. We spent the day at my brother’s house in the suburbs. Two kiddos running around, one teenager trying to go back to her room because she's "too cool". God, i remember being too cool for the adults at Thanksgiving. Now I'm one of those adults — trying to connect with a 13 year old about Twitch when i don't know the first thing about it.

Food coma hit 😴. We left relatively early to avoid traffic. Everything was fine. To be honest, i was a little stressed just because being around kids is totally outside my comfort zone. So all their high energy rubs off on me. That being said, everything felt fine and when we got home my parents came up for a night cap.

Full disclosure: my parents smoke weed 💨 lol. When my sister and i were younger, they wouldn't even entertain the idea 🙄 and i got grounded MANY times. Can you say #annoying?

POV (am i using that right?): My parents smoking weed is exactly what you would expect when thinking about mid-western 60 year olds smoking pot. Slow and steady wins the race 😆. My mom takes one baby hit of a weed pen and is giggling for hours.

Both of my parents are into edibles and asked if i had any. I've sent them weed many times so i know what they're used to. i gave them each half a gummy and told them this would be more than enough. I took a full gummy and ptfo. The next morning i had to do an Amazon Live at 9:00am. So i was busy most of the morning. I called my mom before going live and she joked around about how she read on the news that there was a man near us who was arrested for carrying a machete in the street & threatening ppl. Not sure what happened to the machete man but my mom emphasized the dangers of Chicago. I shrugged it off because I had to get to my live stream. 

While i was doing my thing, my parents and Keith went on a walk with stringer and prince (their dog). By walk, i mean thy took the dogs to the field behind our apartment complex 😃🤣. Based on what i was told, my mom started feeling weird on the start of the walk. She figured it was the start of a panic attack. She wasn't wrong but holy shit did things take a turn.

Some back story. My mom has always had anxiety and depression. She's the reason i can get through my own anxiety because she was (and still is) so open about her own mental health. My childhood was amazing. My parents were always there and l felt on abundance of love so there's no traumatic story there. Like every family, we have drama, but nothing super crazy. My dad was previously married and had two kids, making my mom a step mom. it wasn't easy but overall, my family has made it work. 

Through therapy, i learned that a lot of my own issues can be traced back to my childhood and if anything, it's only helped my journey. Some examples would be me realizing that I've spent my entire life avoiding becoming my father (we've always butted heads) because we are so similar. What i failed to realize was how much I'm becoming my mother. is that good or bad? It’s good AND bad, like almost anyone on this planet would be. No one is perfect but my mom is pretty dang close (in my book). But through all this, I'm still learning and realizing the depths of anxiety. This past weekend made me realize how bad things can get.

So my mom turns back and is having a hard time making it. If you’ve  ever had a panic attack, you know that it can effect the entire body. For me, a panic attack feels like someone drugged me. Like in the way you take something before your favorite band plays and you have this coming to Jesus moment where you just “get it” and all the lights are super bright and inviting and people feel like velvet. Only in THIS scenario i have taken no such drug. So the feeling that used to be badass, is now making me feel like i might have taken too MUCH of said metaphoric drug. Making me feel like I’m going to die. Dramatic but so are panic attacks loll and just to reiterate, that ^ metaphor was comparing my PA’s to tripping on drugs 😎.

My vision gets blurry, i get hot, feel like I'm going to pass out and through up… all at the same time. It's fucking horrible but by now I've had them enough that i can feel the come on. i pop a Klonopin to bring me back to reality and I’m good (usually). I'm assuming that's what my mom was going to do. She made it to the lobby but couldn't make it further. She called my dad to come help. Keith and my dad had to physically help her up and back up to the room.

Keep in mind, i have no idea what’s going on. In my mind, we had a full day planned! My mom was going to help me decorate the tree, planned a drive through Old Town to look at all the fancy houses, dinner at my favorite restaurant (and surprise dessert and drinks on me to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary), and post-dinner drinks at a new cocktail bar. But then Keith walks through the door and told me what happened. To be honest, i kind of down played it because i had just talked to my mom and things similar to this have happened with her in the past. Usually she just needs some time or she tells me her limits. i figured she wouldn't be able to decorate the tree and would rest instead. lol Nope.

Minutes later, i get a call from my dad asking for my address. i thought it was about the pizza we ordered but quickly realized i was the one who ordered the pizza. I asked what was going on and my dad said he was calling an ambulance. I was like Uhm... What? Excuse me? Ambulance to my apartment complex? My mood immediately changed.I got scared which was masked by the appearance of being annoyed and mad. Keith and l took the elevator down to their room and as soon as the doors open, we hear screaming. Like bloody murder screaming. People outside their apartments wondering what was going on kind of screaming.

I've never seen my mom like that. Never. The only way i can describe her state of being would be that she was possessed by a demon. I didn't know if i was witnessing an exorcism or a panic attack lol. Now we can laugh about it…. Kind of.  No? Okay fine. 

A little part of me thought something really fucking serious was happening — like this did NOT seem "normal". And I'm not down playing what happened to my mom but this was… different. The screaming of sheer pain would make someone think multiple bones were being broken or that the mafia was in our room beating info out of someone. But nope. Just anxiety showing off, thinking it can win. But my mom is strong. Stronger than strong.

The EMT's arrived and they made the entire situation seamless. The room that my parents were staying in couldn't have been more than 600 sqft . There was the four of us and like three or four huge paramedics and somehow the entire thing was effortless. However, my mom felt pain, hence the screaming. When the paramedics picked her up, she got worse.. i can only imagine how scary that was for her. She genuinely felt such pain — so much so that she was yelling that the paramedics were hurting her even though they were lifting her like a feather. My mom is a very small woman. She's actually the cutest thing ever. Insert pic of mom here:

After that i pretty much blacked out. I think i slept all day. My amazing boyfriend took charge and did everything that was needed. He literally drove to the hospital to give my dad something and my dad forgot so Keith just waited in the parking lot 🥺. All while i was in my anxiety slumber/shutdown. When i woke up it was hours later and Keith filled me in on everything. Again, l reacted with frustration and anger and in return, l made Keith's life very frustrating 🥲. He's seriously the best, okay I'm done being mushy. My mom was “released” or whatever they call it. Released sounds like she was in prison lol. They came home exhausted. I think i spent the rest of the night watching Billions and cuddling with my dog. 

The next day my dad called to let me know that they were leaving a day early, which i expected. Truthfully, i wanted them to go, which makes me feel like a bad daughter. Before they left, he insisted on coming up for coffee even though i told him that i wasn't ready to talk. I don't even drink coffee 🙄. I spent the next hour showering and putting on a full face of make up so i wouldn’t cry, which spoiler alert: didn't work lol. I acted cold when i came out of the bedroom and didn't… well I couldn't look my parents in the eyes. I was angry that i might have to address my emotions and I knew if I looked at them I would scream or cry… maybe both. Probably both.

.Of course my parents tried to force it out of me, which is not my communication style. Well they got it out of me and i would usually put most of that on my dad but my mom was pushing too. I broke down and it all came out… like all of of lol. i would get into it but this is already too long of blog post 🤦‍♀️. 

The reason I'm writing all of this is not to embarrass my parents (somy mom and dad plz don’t be mad). It's to help. and even though i hate saying this, "if l can relate to one person, it's worth it" 😑🙄. But seriously, it’s true. Also writing this helps me and sure, i could write it all and save it for myself BUT all of you reading this, care. Even if it's like .001% lolololol. And if you're reading this because you love to hate me: well... You made it this far — and you're still reading 🙃. 

So yeah, alll that happened and the reason it sucks is because i really wanted to spend a great weekend with my family. i guess the dissapointmet reminded me that there's probably more underneath the surface. Things I've pushed away because "it wasn't a big deal". Which, is technically true. In the moment it’s really not a huge deal, but then i let it bottle up—- blah, blah, blah i know, i know.

Now that I've had time to process, the situation happened the way it was suppossed to. Because all of it was fucked the moment my mom felt the panic. l want to be clear that i know she had absolutely no control over what happened. The worst part is that it's no one's fault lol.  Shitty shit happens and you have to move on. I'm not mad at my parents and I'm choosing to see the glass half full or whatever and realize i was given the opportunity to see what my mom has to go through and be able to empathize with her more than l was able to before. I wish i didn't hold in all my emotions and end up in my closet crying 🙂 but PROGRESS  PPL. PROGRESS. I'm working on it 😂. Okay THATS it for now.

P.S. Mom, i love you. 

- Katrina

edit: the reason i brought up the weed is because we didn’t want to rule that out as one of the potential activators of the panic attack but in the grand scheme of things it’s neither here nor there. It could have been anything to bring it on and there’s no point in looking back at what could have potentially been avoided. Also it was half a gummy and my dad took the other half so idk 🤷🏼‍♀️ personally, i doubt it had anything to do with it.